“I’m just a regular, degular, schmegular girl…”

On By savagelyshanayIn Personal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today is the sixth day of the new year and I have yet to set any resolutions. As a rule, I try not to set the bar too high, I know myself remarkably well and unfortunately, I have a stronger bond with sleep than a mother has with her child. From experience, I know not to say I am getting fit or some bizarre shit like that, so I attempt to keep it simple; well, I suppose it isn’t simple, I just won’t have to participate in much physical activity. For me, this will be a year of growth, I am dismissing all of my fears and embracing the infinite possibilities that surround me each day. Irrational fear has a way of taking control and 2018 is the year that comes to an end.

Here’s an interesting fact, I am deathly afraid of the ocean. Don’t get me wrong,  I love sitting by the water and listening to the waves, but while pondering over the numerous unknowns of such an enormous space, I feel a bit uneasy. According to the National Ocean Service, the ocean covers roughly 70 percent of the earth’s surface and only 5 percent witnessed by the human eye. Correspondingly, that is what scares me, there are innumerable aspects of the ocean that may remain unexplored; and strangely, I perceive life in the same way. There are countless goals I wish to obtain, yet the uncertainty keeps me from pursuing my biggest dreams; not to mention, I anticipate every outcome before diving headfirst into foreign waters. So, this year I am striving to release the irrational fear of the unknown and immersing myself in the undiscovered parts of where my life is heading.

Every day I find a new reason to discard one of my dreams and that type of negativity is unwelcome in 2018. For some time now, I have said this year is “the” year and I wholeheartedly believe it. Furthermore, it may sound cliche, but I aim to speak this fact into existence. As I am learning to let go of fearful thoughts I constantly remind myself not to compare my life to others, considering each person is on a different path. Although at times, it may be a difficult pill to swallow, I am blazing my own trail and I am tremendously proud of that. In my newly found opinion, fear is just another word for motivation and I hope as I grow in this new year I can assist others in recognizing that in themselves.

Truly, I have never been this excited for a new year, there is an enormous amount of possibilities in sight. Willingly, I intend to accept every challenge placed in front of me and power through all obstacles I encounter. Greatness is the only concept being tolerated in 2018, and I intend to hold myself to that statement; I aspire to have a Cardi B year, astronomical success while unapologetically staying true to who I am becoming. New Year’s resolutions have never been something I have cared too much about in the past, but this year I’m attempting to step outside my comfort zone. Wish me luck as I journey deeper into self-discovery and relinquishing undesirable fears. Stay tuned as I make 2018 my bitch!

 

 

#METOO

On By savagelyshanayIn #metoo, Personal, self-help, timesup1 Comment

My story may be similar to yours, sadly, this is a common occurrence. As a result, I remain terrified, the stigma of rape and molestation are continuing to be outwardly normalized. We are rapidly approaching the year 2018; yet some woman, children, and men are still being taught to stay silent about sexual abuse or assaults. Even worse, a large majority of these victims are afraid to report or reveal their experiences, for fear of being labeled a liar. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the nations largest anti-sexual violence organization, one human being suffers a sexual assault every 98 seconds and every 8 minutes one of those people is a child. Correspondingly, this type of cataclysmic event impacts hundreds of thousands of lives each year and not enough people are talking about it. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I know firsthand the pain of having to put yourself back together after experiencing such a horrendous act.

I live with faint memories of his hands fumbling around my body, ending up in places they had no business being. Some days are different, fortunately enough, I have a small amount of control. On a good day, I am able to push those menacing thoughts to the back of my mind, however, flashbacks of those dreadful days creep into my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. Losing my innocence at such a young age, aided in the development of my distorted view of trust. The psyche is conditioned at an early age to trust the societal definition of family; in other words, a family equals a safe haven, and although this may be true for others, I did not happen to be as fortunate.

He would say, “We’re cousins, it’s okay. I love you.” I remember the confusion invading my thoughts; right and wrong being dangled in front of me and my instincts leaving my young mind questioning the situation. Like any four-year-old child, I did not wish to upset my relative, as a result, I never questioned his actions. My mother always made sure to educate my sister and me regarding the rights each of us reserved when it came to our bodies, and be that as it may, a family member still used my innocence against me. My cousin used misplaced trust as an advantage, he manipulated me into thinking his actions were out of love instead of his own sick perversions.

I hated myself for a long time, always questioning why I never said anything. Growing up, I learned to use my voice as a type of weapon, but when I needed to speak up I froze in silence. For close to five years, my body and mind underwent a type of torture the average person could not survive; my situation’s aftermath affected my life in a way no one could ever prepare for. My cousin stole pieces of me that I did not know existed. Intense anxiety fills each day, which grows branches of overthinking accompanied by irrational fears of displeasing friends, family, or co-workers. It’s also hard for me to have successful romantic relationships, I may be one of the most awkward people in the world, especially in sexual situations. BUT these are all things I have overcome or I am working to surpass. Everything I endured as a child helped to shape the person I am today and some days I wish it hadn’t happened to me, but I now understand I am a stronger person because of it. Yes, I had to grow up quickly, but I also know I am capable of overcoming even the worst possible scenarios.

Everyone has their own way of resolving issues, when I arrived a certain age I started refusing to go to family gatherings or holiday parties. I chose to avoid my attacker, I did not want to reveal my secret; the fear of no one believing me was not a concern, I just preferred living in my own wonderland where none of it was happening. If this were to occur to me today, it’d be a different story; I would stand up for myself and use the voice I was given to speak out against my abuser, confronting my cousin would be at the top of my list and he would have suffered the consequences of his actions. Most of all, I would not waste years on blaming myself and allowing anxiety to consume hours of my days. I missed out on a lot of living because of what happened to me, and that is something I never plan on letting happen again. Each day I make the conscious decision to move forward, which can be hard, but each time I witness someone speaking about their story or experience it gives me courage and inspires me to hopefully one day do the same.

 

 

I’m Horrible at Titles

On By savagelyshanayIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

HI! HELLO,

And welcome to my page.

For a few days now, staring at this blank page has consumed the majority of my time; the blinking cursor taunting me as I compile a list of all the adjectives I could or should affiliate with properly describing myself. One of my biggest struggles is speaking in regards of who I am and all I wish to accomplish in my life; this is partly a result of being self-conscious and holding myself to an exceptionally high standard. Characteristically,  I am an extraordinarily strong and outspoken individual forced to fight through several unfortunate situations, so at times I can be excessively intense. I’d love to portray myself as a perfectly put together person, but I have become set in my own neurotic ways. Preferably, I aim for everything to correlate with the way I irrationally planned in my over-active brain; I tend to become a little dramatic if plans deviate from the original concept. As a result, my mother has deemed me a “drama-queen” and I proudly claim the title.

The impeccable woman who raised me has been tremendously influential in my life, she is the reason for everything I am and all I will become, it’s immensely cliche, yet one of the truest statements I will ever compose. My mother is an extraordinarily strong woman and raised me to be even stronger; in addition, she’s an exceptionally hardworking and has been a sensational role model for my sister and me. Oddly, I have always been unusually open with her, therefore, my mother and I have a magnificent relationship. While I grew up, she began as a strict parent, but she surprisingly turned out to be one of those “cool” moms, and that’s a result of her knowing I couldn’t lie to her, although I frequently tried, it wasn’t possible to fool her. Thankfully, I have always known I can count on her no matter the circumstances and she will be one-hundred percent supportive. And that is honestly such a blessing, not enough people have the luxury of having a mom as their best friend.

As I mentioned earlier, I struggled to make it through a couple rough circumstances, and unfortunately, I used a few alternative methods to aid in that healing process. Though there was no true relief, I continued to try to suppress those memories. As a result of my extracurricular activities, I decided to press pause when it came to school and that set me back a couple semesters, but I eventually pulled my shit together. I failed a lot of classes before I finally decided it was time to stop allowing the past to control my future and I now have an English degree. Being a college graduate is something I am immeasurably proud of, I am the first one to obtain a degree in my immediate family and I put forth a colossal amount of effort to assure my mom could say “her baby” has a degree. There were moments when I almost gave up; regrettably, during my time off I had almost convinced myself I did not need to finish college, but I decided to continue and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

People repetitively ask me why I wanted a degree in English, they do not view it as practical and be that as it may, I have always had an inexplicable love for writing and anything involving literature; I hope to one-day influence others as countless authors have inspired me. Finding a piece of literature that captures my attention from the moment I turn the first page is one of my favorite activities. For instance, I am constantly searching for a story to get lost in and detach myself from whatever reality, I may be facing at the moment. So when I am writing, I intend to look at situations from the reader’s perspective; I want the plot to be relatable, but also an escape from the turmoil of the average person’s everyday life. Writing has always been an outlet for self-expression and I firmly believe that words hold a lot of power. To clarify, words can impact any situation, whether it’s pleasant or harsh; so, with all the negativity floating around I chose to exude positivity, while still maintaining my strong opinions. My biggest goal in life is to impact others through my writings. For as long as I can remember, I have always turned to literature, with this in mind, I frequently find myself way too attached to the characters, often forgetting they are not real. Honestly, I did not know fictional characters could play such a large part in my life and I am so grateful for the stories they are a part of. When I ponder upon my life twenty years from now, I hope to be able to say I have done the same thing for another individual, that is of the utmost importance, even if I only help one person, I will be ecstatic.

Traveling the world is a hobby I am indubitable passionate about, since I graduated college, I have had the privilege of seeing a lot of new areas. In August, I left Kentucky to move to Nevada and although that was a huge change, I couldn’t be happier with the decision I made. Nervously, I left my small hometown to adventure the west coast and so far it has been marvelous. Unexpectedly, I have grown to love the outdoors, everything in the west is so beautiful, huge mountain ranges surround me, which compel me to go out and explore. Living a short distance from Lake Tahoe is such a blessing, I can’t express the beauty of this place and pictures will never do it justice, it’s just something you have to see in person. Every day I wake up and I feel like I live inside a calendar, and although, I miss Kentucky, the west coast has stolen my heart.

Rambling is a skill I have become unbelievably experienced at, so if you made it this far, thank you! With this piece I have challenged myself; I’ve never done well at speaking in regards to myself and I will continue to work on my confidence. Furthermore, a  lot of exciting things happened for me in 2017, and with its ending right around the corner, I can’t help but wonder what 2018 has in store for me, I have always said a lot can happen in a year, so stay tuned and see what great things happen in 2018!