Tag: love yourself

“I’m just a regular, degular, schmegular girl…”

On By savagelyshanayIn Personal, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today is the sixth day of the new year and I have yet to set any resolutions. As a rule, I try not to set the bar too high, I know myself remarkably well and unfortunately, I have a stronger bond with sleep than a mother has with her child. From experience, I know not to say I am getting fit or some bizarre shit like that, so I attempt to keep it simple; well, I suppose it isn’t simple, I just won’t have to participate in much physical activity. For me, this will be a year of growth, I am dismissing all of my fears and embracing the infinite possibilities that surround me each day. Irrational fear has a way of taking control and 2018 is the year that comes to an end.

Here’s an interesting fact, I am deathly afraid of the ocean. Don’t get me wrong,  I love sitting by the water and listening to the waves, but while pondering over the numerous unknowns of such an enormous space, I feel a bit uneasy. According to the National Ocean Service, the ocean covers roughly 70 percent of the earth’s surface and only 5 percent witnessed by the human eye. Correspondingly, that is what scares me, there are innumerable aspects of the ocean that may remain unexplored; and strangely, I perceive life in the same way. There are countless goals I wish to obtain, yet the uncertainty keeps me from pursuing my biggest dreams; not to mention, I anticipate every outcome before diving headfirst into foreign waters. So, this year I am striving to release the irrational fear of the unknown and immersing myself in the undiscovered parts of where my life is heading.

Every day I find a new reason to discard one of my dreams and that type of negativity is unwelcome in 2018. For some time now, I have said this year is “the” year and I wholeheartedly believe it. Furthermore, it may sound cliche, but I aim to speak this fact into existence. As I am learning to let go of fearful thoughts I constantly remind myself not to compare my life to others, considering each person is on a different path. Although at times, it may be a difficult pill to swallow, I am blazing my own trail and I am tremendously proud of that. In my newly found opinion, fear is just another word for motivation and I hope as I grow in this new year I can assist others in recognizing that in themselves.

Truly, I have never been this excited for a new year, there is an enormous amount of possibilities in sight. Willingly, I intend to accept every challenge placed in front of me and power through all obstacles I encounter. Greatness is the only concept being tolerated in 2018, and I intend to hold myself to that statement; I aspire to have a Cardi B year, astronomical success while unapologetically staying true to who I am becoming. New Year’s resolutions have never been something I have cared too much about in the past, but this year I’m attempting to step outside my comfort zone. Wish me luck as I journey deeper into self-discovery and relinquishing undesirable fears. Stay tuned as I make 2018 my bitch!

 

 

#METOO

On By savagelyshanayIn #metoo, Personal, self-help, timesup1 Comment

My story may be similar to yours, sadly, this is a common occurrence. As a result, I remain terrified, the stigma of rape and molestation are continuing to be outwardly normalized. We are rapidly approaching the year 2018; yet some woman, children, and men are still being taught to stay silent about sexual abuse or assaults. Even worse, a large majority of these victims are afraid to report or reveal their experiences, for fear of being labeled a liar. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the nations largest anti-sexual violence organization, one human being suffers a sexual assault every 98 seconds and every 8 minutes one of those people is a child. Correspondingly, this type of cataclysmic event impacts hundreds of thousands of lives each year and not enough people are talking about it. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I know firsthand the pain of having to put yourself back together after experiencing such a horrendous act.

I live with faint memories of his hands fumbling around my body, ending up in places they had no business being. Some days are different, fortunately enough, I have a small amount of control. On a good day, I am able to push those menacing thoughts to the back of my mind, however, flashbacks of those dreadful days creep into my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. Losing my innocence at such a young age, aided in the development of my distorted view of trust. The psyche is conditioned at an early age to trust the societal definition of family; in other words, a family equals a safe haven, and although this may be true for others, I did not happen to be as fortunate.

He would say, “We’re cousins, it’s okay. I love you.” I remember the confusion invading my thoughts; right and wrong being dangled in front of me and my instincts leaving my young mind questioning the situation. Like any four-year-old child, I did not wish to upset my relative, as a result, I never questioned his actions. My mother always made sure to educate my sister and me regarding the rights each of us reserved when it came to our bodies, and be that as it may, a family member still used my innocence against me. My cousin used misplaced trust as an advantage, he manipulated me into thinking his actions were out of love instead of his own sick perversions.

I hated myself for a long time, always questioning why I never said anything. Growing up, I learned to use my voice as a type of weapon, but when I needed to speak up I froze in silence. For close to five years, my body and mind underwent a type of torture the average person could not survive; my situation’s aftermath affected my life in a way no one could ever prepare for. My cousin stole pieces of me that I did not know existed. Intense anxiety fills each day, which grows branches of overthinking accompanied by irrational fears of displeasing friends, family, or co-workers. It’s also hard for me to have successful romantic relationships, I may be one of the most awkward people in the world, especially in sexual situations. BUT these are all things I have overcome or I am working to surpass. Everything I endured as a child helped to shape the person I am today and some days I wish it hadn’t happened to me, but I now understand I am a stronger person because of it. Yes, I had to grow up quickly, but I also know I am capable of overcoming even the worst possible scenarios.

Everyone has their own way of resolving issues, when I arrived a certain age I started refusing to go to family gatherings or holiday parties. I chose to avoid my attacker, I did not want to reveal my secret; the fear of no one believing me was not a concern, I just preferred living in my own wonderland where none of it was happening. If this were to occur to me today, it’d be a different story; I would stand up for myself and use the voice I was given to speak out against my abuser, confronting my cousin would be at the top of my list and he would have suffered the consequences of his actions. Most of all, I would not waste years on blaming myself and allowing anxiety to consume hours of my days. I missed out on a lot of living because of what happened to me, and that is something I never plan on letting happen again. Each day I make the conscious decision to move forward, which can be hard, but each time I witness someone speaking about their story or experience it gives me courage and inspires me to hopefully one day do the same.