My story may be similar to yours, sadly, this is a common occurrence. As a result, I remain terrified, the stigma of rape and molestation are continuing to be outwardly normalized. We are rapidly approaching the year 2018; yet some woman, children, and men are still being taught to stay silent about sexual abuse or assaults. Even worse, a large majority of these victims are afraid to report or reveal their experiences, for fear of being labeled a liar. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the nations largest anti-sexual violence organization, one human being suffers a sexual assault every 98 seconds and every 8 minutes one of those people is a child. Correspondingly, this type of cataclysmic event impacts hundreds of thousands of lives each year and not enough people are talking about it. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I know firsthand the pain of having to put yourself back together after experiencing such a horrendous act.

I live with faint memories of his hands fumbling around my body, ending up in places they had no business being. Some days are different, fortunately enough, I have a small amount of control. On a good day, I am able to push those menacing thoughts to the back of my mind, however, flashbacks of those dreadful days creep into my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. Losing my innocence at such a young age, aided in the development of my distorted view of trust. The psyche is conditioned at an early age to trust the societal definition of family; in other words, a family equals a safe haven, and although this may be true for others, I did not happen to be as fortunate.

He would say, “We’re cousins, it’s okay. I love you.” I remember the confusion invading my thoughts; right and wrong being dangled in front of me and my instincts leaving my young mind questioning the situation. Like any four-year-old child, I did not wish to upset my relative, as a result, I never questioned his actions. My mother always made sure to educate my sister and me regarding the rights each of us reserved when it came to our bodies, and be that as it may, a family member still used my innocence against me. My cousin used misplaced trust as an advantage, he manipulated me into thinking his actions were out of love instead of his own sick perversions.

I hated myself for a long time, always questioning why I never said anything. Growing up, I learned to use my voice as a type of weapon, but when I needed to speak up I froze in silence. For close to five years, my body and mind underwent a type of torture the average person could not survive; my situation’s aftermath affected my life in a way no one could ever prepare for. My cousin stole pieces of me that I did not know existed. Intense anxiety fills each day, which grows branches of overthinking accompanied by irrational fears of displeasing friends, family, or co-workers. It’s also hard for me to have successful romantic relationships, I may be one of the most awkward people in the world, especially in sexual situations. BUT these are all things I have overcome or I am working to surpass. Everything I endured as a child helped to shape the person I am today and some days I wish it hadn’t happened to me, but I now understand I am a stronger person because of it. Yes, I had to grow up quickly, but I also know I am capable of overcoming even the worst possible scenarios.

Everyone has their own way of resolving issues, when I arrived a certain age I started refusing to go to family gatherings or holiday parties. I chose to avoid my attacker, I did not want to reveal my secret; the fear of no one believing me was not a concern, I just preferred living in my own wonderland where none of it was happening. If this were to occur to me today, it’d be a different story; I would stand up for myself and use the voice I was given to speak out against my abuser, confronting my cousin would be at the top of my list and he would have suffered the consequences of his actions. Most of all, I would not waste years on blaming myself and allowing anxiety to consume hours of my days. I missed out on a lot of living because of what happened to me, and that is something I never plan on letting happen again. Each day I make the conscious decision to move forward, which can be hard, but each time I witness someone speaking about their story or experience it gives me courage and inspires me to hopefully one day do the same.